How does one raise a child to protect them from seducers and betrayers and having their little hearts broken? I think this question is almost impossible to answer. I have friends that have had completely different upbringings than I had. My parents taught me about boys (blah blah blah) and making sure that I knew the importance of respecting myself and always being safe. Having trustworthy friends and staying away from possible dangerous situations was emphasized constantly throughout my teen years. One of my best friends had a completely different upbringing. Her mom had her when she was 15, (I would say she was seduced and betrayed for sure!) and she raised her pretty much as a single mom, although she had been married about 3 times. Her mom always had random men coming in and out of her life, which is something my friend, lets call her Jenni, always dealt with. Her mom and my mom definitely have two different views on what love is and how to approach it.
The point of my story is this: Even though we had completely different upbringings, Jenni and I turned out exactly the same. Although Jenni’s mom never actually told her about seduction and betrayal, Jenni learned plenty about that from watching her mom’s actions. I learned the same thing from my parents’ words. Jenni is now a strong, smart woman, just as I consider myself to be.
On the other hand, parents like Charlotte Temple’s could raise their child with love and respect and do nothing ”wrong,” but still see that their child falls for a seducer and winds up in a situation like Charlotte’s.
So, I don’t really know what parents can do to keep their children safe from a broken heart. Shelter them too much, and they’ll definitely rebel. Shelter them not enough, and they could go wild. I think at the end of the day, love is something that can’t really be controlled and most parents realize this because they’ve probably been there. Yes, you can lock up a teen in her room every Friday and Saturday night, but that won’t stop her for falling for that boy sitting behind her in math class, whether he’s a seducer or not. I think that the best thing parents can do to prevent a life of betrayal and abuse for their daughter is to raise her with respect so that she will have it for herself and demand it in a boyfriend.
2 comments:
Great post. Self respect is undersold in our society. There is such a fine line between self respect and trying to please everyone. In any relationship, respect has to be one of the critical elements in maintaining the relationship. Whether the relationship is between you and your parents, your boyfriend, your "sisters", or a boss.
I have noticed over the years that when I explode in anger over someone or something, I take inventory of the situation. Usually, it is my selfish nature at odds with whatever the issue is. But at times, in taking inventory, the explosion was the result of someone crossing the line with me and stepping over the line of self respect. Not a pretty sight......
So self respect for self and others would definitely be a great decision making tool that everyone should develop. Parents don't naturally think they are teaching self respect on a daily basis. But, it is something to be conscious of while working with children or anyone for that matter.
I wholly agree that respect is let by the wayside in our world. One of the problems I've seen is that though there are some people who total disregard this crucial virtue on purpose, I've also had problems finding two people who share the same definition of respect...
Except for the Golden Rule. It is probably the most universally accepted framing of respect in our English-speaking culture. One problem with it is that it takes work, since most people can't see through other's eyes without a lot of practice. Not everyone's an empath.
An example is that one person may or may not find it perfectly acceptable for someone to show up on their doorstep asking for help. I wasn't phased when that happened to me just this week, and I'm sure that girl wouldn't have been phased if I'd showed up and did the same (though I'm too proud to ask a stranger for help).
But if that poor sobbing girl had gone to another door, there exists the possibility that they could call the cops on her, thinking that she was going to rob them. They are thinking in the confines of what they would do in her position. They might consider it disrespectful to show up at someone's doorstep at 0700 in the morning asking for help.
And of course there are varying levels of respect, as well. I can respect the chicken I've just eaten for what it was in life, as an important cog in the machine of my life, living and dying so I may live. Native Americans and actual Indians revere their animal foods the same way (not all Indians are vegan).
But when I see a General or a Colonel, I feel such overwhelming respect that I want to go and read their bio somewhere.
And in showing an assumed mutual respect to strangers, I'm assuming three things:
1. That everyone is basically good
2. That everyone wishes only to exist and be happy
3. That no one means me malice
4. That any of those rules can suddenly be proved wrong.
Yes, that was actually four, but the last one is something that I don't think about actively until some con-artist sets off alarms in my head.
But to the subject of a relationship, you have to separate yourself from the heart-break to see the picture objectively.
When I was about to get out of the military, I met a girl on Virginia Beach who went to UTA in Arlington, Texas - only minutes from where I was coming back to.
We had a great time on the phone and internet, waiting out the time for me to arrive. Then she suddenly cooled off.
When I got there, she rejected my advances, said she didn't feel that way about me. Total 180. I would find out later that she'd met an old crush in the bar, and he told her some story about how he'd liked her then too, used her for a few weeks and stopped talking to her.
I could say that I deserved more respect from her (and that she deserved more respect from that jerk), like for her not to lead me on like that, for her to tell me what was going on with her, for her to not just sleep with a crush and forget about me in a second.
But the lesson I want to impart you with is this: I respect her as another flawed human being, and I will not hold it against her that her confused sense of self-interest gave me a deep feeling of pain.
I see her for what she is, and I hope that someday she gets better. I don't see myself as the victim of disrespect, and in that I think I respect myself more than she would ever have been capable of.
(Thanks for the use of your blog. I respond to ppl's blogs to fast-write before my first-draft on a particular subject or part of my book.)
-Chris Hallbauer
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